It effectively uses ear-to-ear whispering and "brain-tingling" triggers (like breathing and soft rustling) to create a "close-range" feel. "Fixed" Improvements:

Without detailed information on the story, one can only infer from the title that it involves twins (Futago), and there might be comedic (suyasuya) and erotic (ecchi) elements. The involvement of twins could provide interesting dynamics, and if handled well, could appeal to fans of character-driven narratives.